Is the correct life a case of wanting nothing and accepting everything¿ i d k? I have created much havoc in my life clinging to concepts and ideas i had developed lovingly; believing emphatically that they would enhance, not just my life, but the lives of all i could share with clearly enough that those with whom i shared, could also see the wisdom i found in such logic - guess again. Is it as Herman Hesse concluded in “Siddhartha” a question of sitting by the riverside and watching the current pass without attempting to interfere, contain, or impede¿ i d k? What does this say about romantic love and its implicit obtainment of, or presentation to, devotion of one’s love interest¿ i d k?
What does it mean to be of service¿ is writing 5 paragraph essays, however high-minded i might wish them to be, a devotion? Leonard Cohen in one of the last of his compositions stated quizzically “I didn’t know I had permission to murder and to maim;” i know as a child born within a decade of the last World War (now just a polite euphemism) me and my classmates spent a great deal of time playing “war.” We had generals, lieutenants and toy guns enough to kill every living thing within range; no one told us that we were not allowed to pick our own enemies, or that our games would make it easier for us to be trained for real fighting, with real death and absolutely no good end.
We relied on our parents, our teachers, our clergy and increasingly, what Pop disparagingly described as “The Boob Tube,” for providing the worthy enemy for our childish games. Having been a happy member of the YMCA’s “Indian Guide” program, cowboys and indians didn’t hold much interest, but owning more than one “GI Joe” made it important to lobby for trips to the toy store to procure the latest killing instrument which sometimes came with sparks and the ratatattat of automatic weapon fire. Short of that, there was always the realistic squirt guns that often ironically resembled the German Lugers of the WWII fame. After my eardrum was ruptured in an unsupervised firecracker frolic at the local park, my zeal for warlike fantasies took a far less physical path and i amused myself drawing military planes or building models of military planes; an activity which eventually culminated in a stint designing parts for real killing machines in the aerospace industry.
A shame, i will never live long enough to atone for. I used the money earned to put myself through college; helping two wives do the same and partially raising a young girl whose father had poor impulse control - and that doesn’t begin to unwind the karma i have taken on, consciously and unconsciously. I have learned to accept my interest in improving the moral choices of others is more resistance on my part toward anyone curbing the flow of this river of one i seem to have become; isolated - without beginning and whose end appears to be the last conceit which the universe seems to have every intention of depriving me - this should be interesting. I have no idea what steps to take, or which direction to go, but go i must, and yes of course that imperative seems to coincide with my ability to walk - go ahead, tell me g_d isn’t the ultimate ironist and her humor doesn’t border on the wicked.
It may that i have provided her so much mirth with my cross-eyed confusion about where i am, what i am, even what i should be that she has taken pity and removed all delusion of control from my path such that all i will require is appetite enough to maintain motor control, thirst enough to keep my diapers damp and blindness enough that i can’t see so far ahead to become frightened¿ i d k? I do know it has been a jolly good time, and i am, and have tried to make up for the pain i have caused - intentionally and unintentionally, with differing degrees of success. I welcome any insights, near and far as long as you don’t dam up my current or divert me from the most direct course to my logical conclusion, wherever the hell that might be. And by all means you are welcome to take a dip and refresh yourself if you find my fluid refreshing, but know that if you attempt to pirate my water for profit, it will dry up like the desert my genes hail from and whatever moisture you manage to seize will only be the echoes of tears you’d like shed but may no longer, ever.
jts 07/09/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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