Having no idea where you are i can’t say what your paradise looks like just now - mine is hot as fuck @ 2:57 pm · I’m beginning to get a sense about the war of attrition the ruling class is waging; for the longest time i could not fathom how they expected to lose such large segments of the population through starvation, climate devastation and disease but still maintain control. It is because a smaller more frightened body of consumers will be easier to cow into obedience - meanwhile back at the ranch · the technology is such that they, the ruling survivors can maintain isolated compounds and still access the now fully automated income stream from a sham economy that was never meant to support the 7 billion humans they forced into birth. Well that’s just kind of mean; not normal mean, but like Dorothy Parker might have said, “that is mean with raisins on top.”
The constant mechanical fan i resort to for wicking the sweat from my body is now just swirling hot air from one place to another - an apt simile for my exit strategy · wiggle until i can wiggle no more. I remain astonished, though at my good fortune for having been raised amongst funny people, who even in their profound sadness, still illicit a grin from me. Some expressly by their language, others just by the circumstances they resort to for comfort - my elder brother fancied himself the “working class hero” and so began to seize all the family assets to finance his rise to fame and fortune, while my sister wanted to be the 1st Nobel Laureate for poetry so she entangled her future with someone who could provide the necessary misery for such a literary endeavor - the youngest brother · the fair-haired-one never learned what it meant to fail so he didn’t, and i believe failure confuses him to this day.
I would wish my family on anyone reading this because they are grand people, but i don’t recommend you tell them that “Joe sent me,” rather try “Bernard, or Gloria” something that doesn’t smack of the pedestrian, for the more exotic might pique their interest. I’m being snarky and it’s hard to resist, yet i really do advocate you seek them out for your circle of acquaintances, if only because of the club they represent, the same club Groucho Marx said he’d never want to belong to - he didn’t want to belong to any club that would accept him as a member. I saw a photo of a Mar-a-Lago assembly of _rump supporters and was struck dumb by how sub-par they appeared to be. These were not characters out of “The Great Gatsby” these were mooks from the “Daily Inquirer” or the “Walmart Shopper’s Gazette,” the same characters you find in candid youtube uploads of the “poor but wannabe known” at check stands across ‘merica.
Still and all; if there was one existential conundrum that disturbs me more than any other of the many others conundrums in our world, that would be how difficult it has become for me to leave the world a better place than i found it. It feels as though i am pushing the rock up the hill more than the days the story of Sisyphus was written - my last roommate had determined tobacco as her method of demise, what she didn’t share in her proposal for cohabitation was that i should sweep up the ashes. I love her to this day and know not whether she draws breath in this plague infested world we share. The disease was not insurgent when i abandoned her to her fate in my home town. I chose to leave and meet mine where i now sit writing these giddy lamentations; am i foul - did i fail yet another human being, will i be punished for not having remained close to an unspoken demand¿ i d k ?
Hopefully, as my being expires and i grow closer to my own death i will not presume the same unspoken demand from anyone - another snarky remark toward someone you know nothing about, so it would seem i’m not positioning myself in the optimum place to die at peace having acquitted myself to the bone, but only as far as the skin of my own denial. Yeah, well - the bamboo got cut back, my laundry is done and i have rinsed the sweat from my own body · so give me a round of applause it would mean a lot to me were i to expire on my way down the long hallway to my last cigarette of the day and another solitary night, i’m beginning to realize would never be understood by a companion however much i loved them or honored them or promised them, because my fate is mine alone and cannot be absolved by another, but only through a constant refrain of loving kindness toward myself for my wayward, but ever loving ways.
jts 02/09/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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