Sleep is becoming a mystery to me - dreams have never been really accessible to me unless i pressed myself to access my unconscious through that avenue. I prefer to remain in the present as an observer of my actions and from that commune with my interior as a steady state. A form of metacognition whereby i accept my thoughts as they occur and make every effort to give them no weight or pass judgement, but simply listen. Of course i listen more carefully to the loving thoughts because it is often more informative about where the “green growth,” can be found, yet despair and darkness often contain much mulch for growth - if one can stand the stench without being overwhelmed by its ceaseless tendrils into painful events and frustrated endings. I am going to play pool this afternoon, and it will be interesting to see how i am shooting. There was a time in my life when i would go in search of a pool table just to know what my insides were up to, the way some mystics use pendulums to access the spirit world.
I have an electrician friend looking at my wiring because some weeks ago i woke up in the middle of the night to find the lamp over my bed glowing - something it had never done in the 3 months i have lived in this house. It coincided with a bill that had grown 20% from the last charge without any great variation in usage. Electricity is something that i have studied in a variety of ways - houses, cars, machinery and aircraft · but not something i can say i have anything approaching competence with or interest in mastering. It is akin to mathematics; the principles of each is fascinating, but not the sort of activity my mind is given to; i prefer writing, drawing or carving. I remember the 1st time i stood in front of a canvas guided by a man who must have been a friend in some other lifetime for the way he could bring alive concepts that had been dormant in my heart waiting to be awakened. It was the same for carving stone - different guide, but same intense pleasure from discovery.
My disinterest in electricity could be from something as simple as it has mostly been in a compensated environment when i was challenged to master the knowledge. I’ve had many assignments which required computer research and have always been amazed at how many questions would arise not related to my task, yet when freed from the “wage slavery” environment and sitting in front of my own processor - i would draw a blank preferring, i guess the odor and memories of hours in libraries for hunting knowledge to the leering screen and yoked wrists of the modern computer station. Or it may be that my competence with electronics never reached the level where my inherent affinity for creativity felt free to play, to wander and frolic in the world of “what if?” That may be why pool and the creative arts are so close to my heart - the constant decision about “what happens if i do this, what happens if i do that?”
Just now my young friend is absorbed in tracking down a fault in the wiring he believes he correctly determined and is searching for the connectivity solution to break that ground fault - he is absorbed and happy, even invigorated by the challenge. I believe that is a natural state of the human being to be enthusiastic about the challenge in front of them. Our world has been subsumed by tacky little bean counters who are shaving more and more moments from people’s lives whether from actuary tables or pay grades that have absolutely no relationship to the questions those metrics are supposed to answer. When Pop was old and still had access to a phone i would call on a daily basis, peppering him with questions, “what about this, what about that?” One of his most stunning observations was when i asked “what do you see as the biggest problem our world faces today?” Without dropping a stitch, he remarked, “Values, I don’t understand what people are thinking about Values.”
This was supposed to be a man suffering from dementia, so much so that he was subjected to a locked environment - something he oddly acquiesced to more readily than i’d have ever thought possible. Then again my own memory may be embellishing in deference to his memory. Values are fucked up in this era of extinction - we are looking to the wrong people for leadership and turning our backs on those who know best what is needed. It is almost 180 degrees out - “if you want something done, find the person who is asses and elbows at work” - old ‘merican aphorism, not the schmuck who spends most of his time in transit between his many estates and villa because s/he doesn’t know where he wants to be; a lot like the old adage “someone who has one watch always knows what time it is, the person with two is never quite sure. It is not much different with our species - faced with all the options for distraction it is difficult to hear what one’s soul is calling out for much less what to value in a world where the first casualty has been regard for truth.
jts 30/09/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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