How to get our species back on track toward a benign future and loving embrace for this sublime experience of life - i d k · and i’ll be go to hell if i stop asking that question. It’s become very popular to become a nihilist, especially at the higher echelons of the social order, but i think that is in part because of the cowardice of people unwilling to break their fingernails on the barbwire, and because to possess $200 billion and remain impotent to aid anyone in what can only be described as a “target rich environment” has to be more than debilitating - more the ideal metaphor for a “deer caught in the headlights.” How embarrassing that must be to scramble over the last hurdle to find oneself at the top of the heap only to find nothing but zeroes within one’s inside.
To have the deference of world leaders, but be unable to find anything of worth to see when looking in a mirror must be a terrifying experience. I stay away from mirrors myself, but for entirely different reasons. I’ve yet to find a reflecting surface, idea or friend which shows me honestly the fear or the love i have struggled to achieve on the other side of that fear i know is mine, though further from daily, or what is that perception which presides with me over confusion, disgust and self-loathing and which daily, breath by breath resembles me less and less¿ What angle of incidence is capable of peering pass my increasing blindness into the regions of my being that embraces a better world than the one i see reflected on the faces of those suffering around me?
We’re getting into touchy-feely gobbledygook, but i hate to be the one to tell you this; we be neck deep in that shit, and have been for some time. To live on an abundant sphere of moisture in a desert atmosphere of “dark matter” and not be able to, for lack of a better expression, “capitalize” that reality for everyone’s benefit is at the root of our extinction. That we today have numbed ourselves such that we cannot, or will not witness the wheezing expiration of barely born infants, and then scroll to the latest Diva declaration of _____fill in the blank, with nary a peep in our pulse rate describes more the behavior of a corpse than that of a dynamic loving creature of very nearly any species but our own.
And still, how is this alarming discussion moving anyone, much less myself toward the stairway which might rise us from this morass we, every last man-jack one of us is asshole deep in¿ i d k? I was kind of hoping you did when i started this exercise in daily futility - thinking somehow the argumentative proclivities i’ve encountered on every continent i’ve ever stepped on would rise to the occasion and declare to me in front of g_d and country, “you stupid motherfucker, this __________fill in the blank is how you solve the problem you are whinging about!” But Nooo, just like schoolboys on their first dates, when it comes push to shove and your dicks are on display, you shrivel like a bunch of surprised George Costanzas, and step far enough back to let the women of the world fix your fuckups - i know this only because that is me to the bone.
The problem is i’m no longer sure whether my reticence to take charge and order people around is from spiritual maturity or existential fatigue after tilting at wind mills from an early age when it became clear to me that i was not a good fit for this world, this time, my family or my own skin - not a good sign for a blissful life. Yet there could not have been a better climate in which to grow old. By the time i figured out that i was not alone in feeling awkward, i began to see more clearly how many others of my species have absolutely no resemblance to the cartoon characters commercials trotted out as examples of how “bliss” smelled, walked, talked and appeared, but never farted. I can’t say i’ve found kindred spirits as yet with this emerging awareness but have come to believe the more i can reflect well what i find the better are the chances that i will come to encounter an accurate depiction of my “self.”
jts 05/09/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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