I have a manuscript kicking around in some landfill on an early Brother word processor and its long dead amber screen. “Young and Certain” written on an ahead-of-its-time 3.5" floppy that wouldn't even be readable for any of today's technology. I began the story long before my college training informed me through the penetrating explication of “Tom Jones” by Professor Victor Comerchero at California State University @ Sacramento about bildungsroman, or picaresque forms. “Y&C” was, or is depending on one’s affinity for urban archeology, a loosely autobiographical account of a cross country trip during the early 1970s on my way from Southern California to NYC to seek my fame and fortune as a fine artist. At the time there were emerging alternatives to cross-country travel that were modeled on the cooperative tenor of the time. Through one of the “Free Presses” it was possible to contract with a group of strangers to collectively hire a van and share driving and expenses across country for a fraction of the cost for more traditional transportation.
At the time of its writing “Y&C” was strongly influenced by the Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy i happily participated in to resolve questions about my repeated _______fill in the blank, mostly concerns about a pattern of dysthemia, and poor relationship choices, but in many ways far more toxic than this essay has time for. The irony of its writing was the condescending voice of its narrator - a voice, i now understand to be aping my therapist at the time rather than an accurate accounting of being free, white and 21 during a time in my country’s history when "it" could have gone either way. My understanding later was that the president during that time was actually terrified of the youthful opposition which animated many of the bizarre events in that cross country journey on the “Grey Rabbit Express.”
Today, while i shelter-in-place in the same foreign nation which suffered egregious wrongs which that vivid voice of opposition attempted to rectify, i watched a documentary about Hunter S. Thompson who was trotted out by the media “dream machine” as the antidote to those heinous crimes - himself the victim of celebrity excess that ultimately muted his message and rendered his cannon to that of a drunken buffoon · too eerily similar to what i discovered about my own trajectory during therapy. That therapy and a university education was almost entirely financed by hiring out my “grey matter” for the design of weapons for “The Man - ” you can run, but you cannot hide. Even here today searching for language to explain these conflicting events in a useful way to anybody, i find the same sanctimonious condescension i employed to describe our heroic, but outmaneuvered hero of my early years.
If i’ve learned anything in the intervening years it is to mistrust anyone claiming knowledge, and to value questions - especially questions about my own behavior. I am far more kind to myself; i am no longer as driven by the expectations of others and am highly suspect of what the clickbait technology of today feeds me about what i am supposedly interested in. I want peace, more than ever, and understand more certainly that until i feel it within, i will never discover it witout. I miss very much the provocative but largely illusionary notion of “freedom” trumpeted by HST, but find it today emanating mostly from disciplined monks amongst us. Even Charles Bukowski in his dazed trance state could feel such feeling strongly enough to recommend it as a signpost; “The free soul is rare, but know when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.” - Charles Bukowski ·
I am beginning to believe all of those i meet are free - you who are reading this have waded through shit that was not of your making, and perhaps barely recognizable to your reading experience, yet you persist. Perseverance in the face of the unknown resembles freedom as i understand it. I am not pulling you along - you are motivating for your own reasons, hopefully reasons that resonate with what i am trying to understand from writing about it, but ultimately you have your own very personal reasons for exploring. I fear my loss of concentration when it come to fathoming the classics and so search for language that is brief, pertinent and accessible. You don’t need me to explain to you what is wrong in our world, or why the need for freedom is so important to our survival. However, i strongly believe you will benefit from someone, recognizing you to be a “free” human being - nicely done · thank you.
jts 12/09/2020
http://stoanartst.bl
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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