I once sat on a couch in Santa Ana, CA with a loaded rifle in my mouth, my toe on the trigger, and a quart of “Mickey’s Big Mouth” balanced in the corner; i’ve also been addicted to endorphins running barefoot @ low tide between the piers in Santa Monica listening to an iPod i won’t tell you how much i spent keeping fed with iTunes - apple inc. boosted close to a $1,500 in music i bought and paid for but can’t play because of a change in email address that doesn’t “compute.” I do not share these highly personal experiences to be your buddy, because we are not buddies and you’d have contacted me if you wished to explore common ground. The most important reason i have to write to you each day is to share any ideas that might help you or yours to survive our impending extinction; i could give a fuck if you see it coming or are in the “waiting room for rapture.”
I am asymmetric, but spent the better part of my young existence attempting to resolve the differences between my right and left sides. I have an older brother, i’ve spoken of too often who could spend hours staring in the mirror - yet when i looked, all i could see is _____ fill in the blank - it was not favorable · i thought it was his fault, because what i saw so matched the language he used with me, but differed with the confusion with which i wept myself to sleep, and he’s not a bad guy. In fact he was a hero who taught me to not trust heroes, how much more heroic can you get? (for those just tuning in - that is a what is known as a “left-handed” compliment - sincere · without sincerity.
“Snarky” is the attribute media used to describe each of us destroying the other without ever actually owning the act. So here we sit within an inch of our lives, frightened by intimacy, intimidated by power, grieving loss we were never allowed to own. All for the name of “profit,” as though if you could accrue enough LIKES, CASH, or FRIENDS; like some scene out of Vegas the lights will pop up or the ghost of Groucho’s toy duck might plop down in front of your current hurrah and declare vindication for all your suffering - bullshit · you stupid motherfuckers. That was a joke engineered by a freeman to keep you humble about the hijacking of your world by a group of thugs that sat in the wings with goodies that had no bearing and never meant anything to you but surprise.
I could be wrong, but you’ll have to stand in line with the rest of the “cultural anthropologists” waiting to declare my thinking heretical. (a clue for the hungry, line up behind my family, they have the “inside dope”). Secrets are what i really wanted to talk about in this and most essays, but it took me all this time to approach such an explosive concept. In a universe so vast we have yet to fathom its dimensions, it is pure conceit that there is anything in our personal lives worthy of interest. What i find for myself is the illusion there is someone, somewhere laughing at something i think only i know about myself - that my friends, is funny.
But when you amplify that by all the sordid secrets we firmly believe ourselves capable of keeping, or keeping others from - the notion of hiding becomes ludicrous. If you sit in front of any table on the planet long enough · all you wish to be revealed to you will be. Don’t believe - develop adequate patience to discover the fact for yourself, then call me a liar. I only wish to speak with the authority on love, for i know there is at least one person who has parsed the subject better than myself, and who may be willing to share those discoveries that may help me be better to the woman, or women i have yet to love. I know that so far, i have not been successful; that each time i have tried to take love - she has shown me it is only something one can give, but only when one is open enough to receive. This is a confusing conundrum for me - only because that love i hold in reserve is the same love that she requires to free me ·
and you doubt for a second that g_d is a feminine spirit - jajaja ·
jts 17/06/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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