It is overcast and dark at 3:30 pm, but that does not necessarily mean rain - the thunder suggests otherwise, but again that is no guarantee - sort of like saying d_rump ain’t gonna make a touchdown just ‘cause he’s Nazi president in an allied country instrumental in defeating the last Nazi president on the planet · there are no locks. You’d think they’d pay attention to that logic when they use a handful of corporate traitors in an effort to lock up 330 million wildcard patriots; it just rained. I have felt great pain for the better part of today from a younger brother who just like the oldest brother and older sister seem to feel comfortable shunning me, yet object violently for finding the same in return. You see, i am also guilty of the crime of turning my back on family, and feeling perfectly justified in doing so. I could plead my case here in the court of “public opinion” which i guess is exactly what i am doing by disclosing dirty laundry, but in as high a tradition of “a novel of manners” as i can manage in a 5 paragraph essay - you know not who i refer to or much else but what their relation to me might be. I am hardly casting aspersions when you know them not nor they you. We live in the days of anonymity and i may as well make bank on the opportunity to purge my bile as they say.
The youngest brother in question who long ago had to make peace with his loyalties, which just so happened to not include me. An ex-wife (the crazy Cherokee-propellor blade) shared a sexual fiction with my younger that was nobody’s business but ours, (i can really pick ‘em); it was beyond wild monkey sex, and encouraged a smug superiority for my little brother who aped that demeanor from myself certainly, but more likely the conceit of our older siblings who were really pretty before they got greedy and important. which has flowed manifest associations, founded and unfounded. It is true that i have stated repeatedly, in private and in public - “i would fuck a snake, if i could find someone to hold it,” and this libidinous inclination remains an aspect of my being and my character i do not apologize for, but have corralled as well and better than most of our world leaders. I like to fuck - i relish the feel of flesh in ways only an artist who has spent decades of his life trying to fathom can appreciate. At the same time, my heart is tame and wishes no violence on any life form, including unwilling snakes. I make no apologies for my appetite, and do not ask your permission to feel what i feel - it is this disobedience that rankles my family the most · i would imagine, imagine only because they are constrained by an emotional dishonesty that legitimizes the inherent violence of shunning - a behavior we all share, but for which it seems, i alone must acknowledge.
“Fuck you - and the horse your rode in on” · was an expression i learned from my mother’s 2nd husband. I found it useful after finding myself introduced to my 3rd wife at a “Thanksgiving Dinner” where, she and i were ‘thrown together’ and not. I had asked my stepfather about this attractive guest who was making nice with her eyes; his reply - “fuck you, she’s too old for you,” to which i responded, in our first dislocation from the “mutual admiration society” we had enjoyed since we met-; i could see that he had an honest and genuine love for my mother; but that Thanksgiving, what could i say¿ ‘no L____ fuck you’. M_____ and i were cohabitating within the week; 7 years later, we were married, the same year i was to learn she and L____ had some side game that did not include ma. I am not “washing dirty laundry in public,” rather i am peering as deeply as i am able into the circumstances of my pain and owning what is mine, while disavowing that which is not. Own your pain, each of you - and please dear g_d in whatever form or sex you reveal yourself in · show me the error in my ways. i want to learn, and i want my species of thrive; not as the pale echo that is illumined on each of our screens, but by the very impulse we each possess, each time we encounter another that catches our fancy and inspires our fantasies.
Forgive me not if you are offended by what you read here, for i would spit in your face had you the courage to say what you feel to me. I pray for your future generations that they are not infected by the cowardice of my own DNA strand that causes me great pain regardless of my existential efforts to own what is mine and to dismiss what t’is da’other’s. I am not good at that discernment, but my incompetence no more absolves me from my responsibilities for radical accountability, than d_rump’s diminished soul absolves him from his fate, or my family from theirs. My obligation to my time in this wondrous sphere of blue H2o is to amplify and facilitate as much love as my imagination can manage. My particular challenge at this turn, is to maximize what i don’t understand without as the “Dalai Lama” said so well ‘if you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do no harm’ - fucking Madam Paradox, if she wasn’t my mother, she should have been.
My pain endures, even after an afternoon of writing, pleading and resolving - i remain unconvinced that those i value most, value what i proffer. My relationship to my family is my problem alone, yet it seems to affect so many i have come into contact with prior to and during my travels that it makes me wonder. I can protest, ‘i wish you no harm, and hold solidarity with you against those who do’, yet in my own heart i feel the aggression of siblings who behave toward me like, as Lyle Sears and i had commiserated about our common affliction, like i am “a piece of shit.” From where i sit now, it is not possible that so many who have been treated so badly, or treat others so badly - have not experienced this aggressive thinking at some level in their own experience. It is at this point the whole equation of how to change the world gets “dicey.” To act like you do not understand while protesting ‘white on black; man on woman; majority on minority; immigrant on local; old on young, or young on old, or g_d on human violence’ - you are bullshitting you and me, and i got no time for horse shit ‘cause we all about to perish. BTW, where did #GretaThundberg ¿ get to on your newsfeed - just askin’? ·
jts 05/06/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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