I am now moved from one home to another, and as the loving neighbor lady would say, “the book is closed.” Even though the new house is hotter, has ants and as luck would have it may almost know the sound of demolition adjacent to my old location as clearly - i like it better · This is one of those ineffable realities which do not admit logical reason, but has the “feel” of being right, more than another. I once battled wits with a psychiatrist who nearly convinced me that my “instincts stink” - much like my siblings nearly convinced me they have reason to act superior · neither was accurate and both conditions most certainly defined them as much as it described me. Yet there is good reason for them to be wary, i can be as cruel as i can be kind, and it took me way to long to reach a place of peace with this insight to ignore its intrinsic truth.
The best i can do is to continue mining the caverns of my soul in search of what i once described as the shaggy beast of my soul. But now rather than hunter after an elusive quarry, i wish to find friendship with this unknown creature of whom i still have had only the barest glimpses and rely on the metaphysical sight of the 3rd eye to track its whereabouts but remain rationally skeptical of such an irrational possibility. The happy fact is i remain open to such a possibility regardless of all personal experience to the contrary. My good fortune is to have lived in a time when there were song lyrics stating “reality has always had too many heads.” I have no real conceit that this same wisdom is new to my age, and was simply stated differently through the ages, but i remain grateful that it was reconfigured into a recognizable form while i lived.
The challenge is to find how much more of our species’ history has also been restated differently and to evaluate its worth based on "bitter searching of the heart", and even more importantly apply it in a more useful way for as has been said elsewhere in our history, “time is nigh.” Mahatma Gandhi was a bigoted racist who oppressed a huge portion of his population because of outmoded beliefs, yet on balance he was able to liberate an entire nation from colonial occupation through personal conviction & truths he had discovered within the confines of his prejudice; we, each of us can do the same thing and rather than liberate a nation, possibly liberate an entire planet - if there is time enough left to us. If not, very shortly our DNA strand will be struggling to remain animated in a superheated toxic cesspool created by a handful of humans for apparently no more good reason than greed.
It is not terribly hard for me to imagine this scenario having watched my own “atomic” family blown to bits by no more than proximity to riches beyond the limited understanding of our semi-impoverished roots, though it is not that simple by a long shot. But the conceit of any solidarity with a righteous proletariate is as mythical as its attachment to social standing simply through marriage, or wisdom conferred by education. The key is that my people struggled hard for a better life, and never in agreement about what that meant. Where we have fallen solidly on our faces is allowing division within our actual relationship. These are people i struggled with for space in front of the toilet and more accurately time in front of the mirror - i grew up in the midst of the manufactured importance of “image is not important · it is everything.”
And i am luckier than most for no other reason than my image did not match any identifiable cluster, and from that limitation my demeanor varied even more - lucky me. Now my ambitions follow suit where i once craved recognition for my heroic efforts on behalf of art and humanity, now i welcome quiet and any opportunity to be of service to those who suffer. I am no closer to understanding how that modified ambition can be accomplished, but i keep trying - even sitting here in a worthy bistro in a borrowed nation having moved a 3rd time in year just to get a breath of fresh air and quiet, i am far more okay than anytime in my long history, because as long as i am harming no one and not causing anyone to harm anyone else - my heart is at peace · may yours be as well.
jts 26/07/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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