4 pm is late to start the 1st paragraph - oh well · My 2nd wife J____’s favorite expression; another of my wounded darlins’ who almost relished the recall of her mother waking her from a nap with a belt buckle to her face. At the time i imagine i was too emotionally retarded to contribute much to her healing process, for our entire world seemed to revolve around saving her and her daughter J_____. I don’t say this with any recrimination, simply fact. Her ex had made her escape a challenge, and that challenge defined the tenure our our relationship. I’d have like to have done better; though i have yet to meet another man that could have accomplished more - she did find someone, or so she said as she left. I hope that's true and wish them both all the goodness they can find in their world after ours.
I have not always been so consistent about my own well being, for within 3 months of that cataclysm, i was ensconced with a woman inconceivably more needy than my 2nd wife. Number 3 could almost channel the time and date of horrific stories about being locked in the chicken coop while her mother and paramour made love; and when her mother was impregnated from this tryst was then blamed by her birth father for the aseptic abortion that she had responded to too slowly at age 11. What can i say, i’m a sucker for damsels in distress. What i struggle with is how useful this makes me as a transformative companion which is what i’ve wanted to be for as long as i could remember; i think it is reaction formation/projection about a world i perceive that blames me for its suffering.
I am old enough now to understand how common it is to seek responsibility elsewhere for what one suffers in the moment. I am not free of my own inclination to see power over me in the behavior of others - regardless of how illogical that concept is · The leap i have yet to accomplish is to own my own behaviors to the extent that i can be objective and critical without being cruel about what i do. The Dalai Lama stated quite clearly that when your intentions are on behalf of another - it gives one great confidence over one’s actions; he wasn’t lying. It is where i lie to myself about my reasons for doing things that i get tripped up - do i spend to help, or to gain; is my comment constructive or self-aggrandizing; do i write to be read, or to be useful to others . .. ··· ?
Here’s a fucking paradox to chew on - i have spent a good 1/2 of my life hewing stone · and with not always an entirely selfless motive. Now i sit at 65 and rue the scar my birth nation created carving temporary heroes on a timeless indigenous sacred mountain. Where does one reconcile such contradiction¿ I cannot hate the buffoon acting as the leader of all i was raised to revere - including the features of 4 imperialists posing as liberators while acting out heinous crimes against humanity · ? As difficult as it may see to you who have read this far, it is, excuse the vernacular - now in your court · I have great difficulty remaining positive about such destructive learning, but i refuse to surrender. I still seek a loving companion to soothe my wounds and to aid me in building a better world, yet the further down the “rabbit hole” i get the more i think that stubbornness reflects stupidity, rather than character.
These are called “Extinction Chronicles” for a reason - we, as i see it are entirely responsible for our doom; however close we may be to redemption · it is our destruction i feel we must respond to - not react · but respond. Greta Thundberg has been neatly eviscerated from the newsfeed. The more that we as a species allow some pissant technogeek to determine what is a valid consideration, the greater our danger. At this instant the http channel has been overturned and neutrality of packets has been hijacked by a fascist focus on what is worthy vs what “is” - that my friends is bullshit. As long as you tolerate who you are allowed to communicate with whenever you enter any domain - the more you are nothing more than a fucking serf paying fealty to whatever the “man” wants you to witness on your screen. Rise above that limited digital view of what is possible and insist that what your neighbor wants to share with you is as accessible as the merchant who has bought every store in your neighborhood.
jts 05/07/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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