Back again walking the tightrope of expression in a world that has way too much hear - that is not a complaint, i’m accustomed to being ignored · just not reconciled to it as “terms of endearment.” It is important to me to learn how to hear what others want to express, for i lost most of the hearing in my right ear at a young age and it took a great deal of determination just to get as far as i have & you’d be amazed at how interesting the stories are of those people around you - even just now, if you take the time to look around you and wonder what each person you see is experiencing. My father was an ace; as the “ex husband” who had been kicked to the curb by my mother because he didn’t make adequate income for her concept of security - i watched him attend one of her soirees in Beverly Hills at the house of her and my stepfather, a CEO of an insurance brokerage firm taking notes in his spiral notebook interviewing any guest that caught his attention, just to find out something more than when he arrived · the 3rd wheel of all 3rd wheels.
Sitting here now in a foreign nation as a “3rd Wheel” i realize what testis it took to be his authentic self in hostile territory. I had sat in similar soirees in this same house where Ma had recounted embarrassing stories in his absence of their young married life e.g. when he had hit on a known lesbian oblivious to that fact; ma ridiculed pop in the same household where he was then taking copious notes (probably to many of the same people who had laughed at ma’s betrayal; at the party i remember he was only interested in learning what was important to the person he was speaking to at the time - that my friends is disinterested decency · may we all find some. I’ve nothing to protect as he had at the time, carrying his tarnished “knight’s armor” on his back like some knackered knapsack, but he did it with heart. Ma too - they both rose to the occasion for the sake of their children. Everybody i find is doing their best with what they have to work with at the time, some just have more to work with than others. That doesn’t make them superior people which was the “blood sport” of the household i grew up in - it just aids each of us in finding our place in the spectrum.
Death is a fascinating prospect compared to the mysteries i’ve encountered thus far; anything the frees me from the insipid vanity of broken souls looking to strengthen themselves at the expense of others, which seems, forgive the cliche, “de rigueur,” sort of like the urbane apple spellcheck that doesn’t recognize a foreign expression, no matter how much tax revenue it can steal for its effete product. There is no continuum, save this moment, i write and you read which paradoxically is not at the same time. I can live with that, for so much of my life has been occupied by fantasies of either future events or past circumstance that it has nearly blinded me to the splendor of the moment - this with the vivid memory of reading Baba Ram Dass’s purple book “Be Here Now” some 45 years ago in a barn in Santa Cruz, CA trying to figure out what “the marijuana growers handbook” meant by changing the plant from diploid to polyploid oranism.
“Everything i believed has been proven wrong” - Bob Dylan. Tom Waits was right · there is no magic bullet and the more Sober AF you can become the better off our entire planet will be; having said that, Dionysius was here for a reason - transcendent states as Daniel Odier stated can be provoked by substance, Maria Sabina altered the course of modern history by betraying her knowledge to fools, but how was she to know that the ego states she was communicating with had little more than self-aggrandizement in mind. We have resources, scientific, metaphysical, philosophical and empirical such that with what Buckminster Fuller described as “trim tab” application we could almost save ourselves from the cresting destruction we have allowed into our Arcadian world. Without love - we are doomed · Leonard Cohen nailed it when he sang “love is the only engine of survival.” This complex metaphor is beyond the reach of the 5 second intellect being nurtured by the digital overlords. The beneficiaries may never know what hit them, but i know and i will continue to expound with my addle-pated ways until i breathe no more, or have been muted by the big “button pusher” in the sky. So until that happens love and peace to one and all .
note: if you want the 5th paragraph - you’ll have to send a written request ·
jts 11/07/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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