You know it’s been a good year, if you’ve lost your glasses so completely that it takes hours to find them again - it’s been a good year · I am constantly amazed at my own good fortune, despite my best efforts otherwise. Once while shooting arrows in the Arroyo Seco my release also ripped my frame from my face - you have to imagine the similarities of old growth oak twigs and desiccated oak leaves to a far flung, but who-the-fuck-knows how far, frame of prescription gold frame sunglasses in a well-trampled pile of compost many hundreds of years or weeks old - hundreds of miles away from your bedroll · and you can’t see “fuck” without your glasses; imagine that and you'd be welcome to my morning. Ultimately i found the grey frames and clear lenses lost this morning just after 6:30 AM in the camouflage of grey-tiled lens shaped design patterned patio; i’d heard them fall onto in my not-enough sleep 1st cup of Ca Phe - but remembered that being the kitchen floor · ain’t life grand ¿?
I was fortunate in this “hard-target-search” after a 2nd hour sweep to be in the company of a friend who was divining his own curiosity in an electrical fault he signed onto to resolve, but would accept “NO PAYMENT” when after 6 hours over two days of fruitless research into the previous work of others could not explain or resolve why the bulb over my bed glows when the switch is thrown off, and who gave up a good hour and 1/2 to 2 hours hounding the corners of my home for my lost lenses to no avail - that my friends, to the unknown audience of this peculiar chronicle is what describes honor · The young fellow in question has a wife and child to whom he holds personal responsibility, but who also is unwilling to the point of obstinacy refused a dime spent for searching for my glasses. Am pretty sure i'd have stepped on them before i discovered them late in day without his kind assistance.
I’m at a loss to explain the paradox for a community teetering on the brink of poverty wherein a young father with a child and wife would expend hours attempting to resolve a mechanical defect in a property not of his own making and to then spend additional hours searching for missing spectacles of an old foreign man without standing in the community - if you understand this generosity of spirit, please explain it to me, but more importantly, if you have any notion how i might make good such decency when i am as demonstrably flawed as i recount - guide me, please · I fluctuate between sinking deep roots where i sit for many reasons similar to what i have just shared and fleeing for points unknown for reasons that i have tried to describe as candidly elsewhere in these chronicles - i am not inviting you to make choices for me, but to dialogue in ways that might aid me to make better informed decisions than those i have made in the past.
I am considering a last stand with a young woman who has done mo more kindness for me than covering my bicycle seat on a hot day at a bistro i frequent - is that hegemony or enlightened self interest? Would my coupling with a young woman out of my league deprive her of a more fulfilled existence with someone of her own ilk and save her from a despairing attendance at my death that she may be unable to comprehend, but could possibly provoke a body of work based on a deferred, but necessary patience of my own previous existential conceits ¿ i do not know? but as long as i am asking such questions, my own tormented end may yet conclude with a result useful to not only her final days, but a happy end to my own.
There is nothing of greater worth than to hope a happy end to people and places you’ve visited or have yet to visit. I am essentially trapped by circumstance and fate on a peninsula that more than oddly resembles out of scope real estate from the province in which i was raised - when i say out of scope, i mean that within 15 miles of where i was raised the aggregate income of those in the spit of land i refer to is the highest per capita income in the entire United States of America, then and likely now. Helicopters ferry the CEO’s of aerospace companies routinely from and to their aeries of destructive doom over the pancake houses of fictive serenity published on webpages posing as normality when in fact the tide pools i waded through as a child are scourged of every natural nutrient and ecological balance they have enjoyed through multiple millenniums for no better reason than to add a zero to a buck based on zeroes - go figure ·
jts 02/10/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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