So now i fly without a net - once again · i have no tether to where i landed and have likely antagonized the last friend i had where i live, if s/he was ever anything more than a shimmering fantasy echoing ache from the deepest recesses of my existential yearning for sangha. And yet it has been a good day full of happy faces and unexpectedly loving responses in the most pedestrian exchanges, and not - duality is so confusing when contrasted against the ever present eternal · I’m not sure how birds do it, but my landlord’s husband right now is scooping the water from under my sink, and that is as far as i go, so this essay becomes a trifecta of 3 day’s worth of holyday cheer . .. ··· That may be all that i have accomplished the entire year - allowing myself the leisure to pick up an essay the next day, no matter that it was the day next to the last day of 2020, morphing into the first day of 2021. The water filter change by the landlord proved dodgy, so i may have gulped a good 3 swallows of somewhat filtered water - meaning the pump didn’t kick in so i may have chugged a part that didn’t include the “reverse” in reverse osmosis technology.
Never mind that that may be the part which includes the meningitis mingling in the water table of this quadruple flooded river basin - whadddya gonna do, it’s still 2020 · just got a fb message from the husband posing as the landlady on her page telling me the technician is busy and “he’ll” fix it later; like i said, it’s still 2020. And now 2:00pm straight up on nuyierzeveday, i have no potable water and better than 3 paragraphs to go before i can say i did an honest day’s work. I pulled out of my lodging agreement in an awkward fashion, but really feel little regret. Just like the server who’d been giving me what i thought was come-on served the 3 people who cut in front of me in line today - i missed an opportunity to stretch my understanding of patience; instead, in a fit of pique when i was finally greeted, i clenched my heart and told the friendly face, “see you later.” The question remains, who did i protect, how did my puerile gesture contribute to world peace¿
What will it take for me to forgive myself my hurt and arrive at a place of existence where my greater concern is the comfort of others? Is there anyway that i can infect the avarice of the murderers of our species with this radical notion¿ “War is over” - John Lennon · it is a statement, not a question open for debate - said who to who ? this is the test · An Ethiopian woman was murdered in Italy within the past few days, for the egregious offense of developing sustainable Goat Farming that surpassed the best efforts of those apparently motivated to kill her based on little more than “ruffled feathers.” Fuck you you pissant adolescent pukes unable to accept the fact that a harder working black immigrant made mincemeat of your tender egos. What is even harder for me to accept is how much of that maligning reveals my own deeper seeded remorse this close to my own expiration - “how powerless must i become to help others”, he asked of no one the ruling class would allow to listen · ¿ “enough” as the voice of his own mother replied as she lay dying, separated by an ocean and the same avarice and greed he spends his last years defaming.
2020 humanity shouted down the _onald, and still Gaia whines about her difficulties, seemingly oblivious to the wrack and ruin she has unleashed on a species doomed to extinction by untamed desires and unexamined motivations because she is too occupied with Hermes and Gucci to give a fuck how she’s standing on his penis; yeah, no projection there. More power to you little Mamacita - payback’s a motherfucker and lordlady knows i’ve taken my license with much and from which i can only welcome comeuppance · depending on how one feels about the act, acts or continuing behavior. Mindfulness is a dicey proposition for the closer one peers into the caverns of one’s own heart minus judgement and with simple awareness, where is the condemnation so necessary for social control. I read a fascinating observation this morning by Bertrand Russell which simply substituted perspective about animal vs the human assumption of primacy - i was at an utter loss to explain why the horse should accept the saddle vs why a pig should submit its offsprings to the table of our obviously questionable human superiority.
I am no closer to an opinion though it be at the end of a horrendous year full of death, defeat and welcome reprieve from a “wannabe” tyrant wielding hatred with the expertise of an ancient demigod and the bungling incompetence of a corporate overlord. I pray, not because i am particularly religious, but because that sound is more sonorous and melodic than conversation. It seems i communicate better with the universe, than my fellow human beings. I have an easier time pleading with the aether for a surcease of suffering for life on this planet than asking someone to stop denigrating their own worth and value in unconscious ways which i mostly recognize because of my own behavior. Were it that simple, nor am i evolved enough that when another requires my subordination to fortify their self image, i can easily resist the temptation to shred such posing as though the raiment of outgoing #45 - the most pathetic example of an empty suit i can remember in my extensive observations of the the high and mighty. For these reasons and more, i would rather whistle my fond hopes for your wellbeing and happiness with the birds - their songs seem more loving and lacking judgment than most people and so are better able to help me quiet and still that excoriating snarl that commands the beast deep within until such time that it and i may once again be friends.
hapynuyier 21012021
jts 30/12/2020,31/12/2020,01/o1/2021
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