Writing about the 2nd day of the nuyier on 1st day should prove interesting, if only - forgive the pun, for 20/20 hindsight. Just engaged a tall balding fellow from the state of Nebraska, as is part of my burden - the 1st thing out of my mouth was, “are you embarrassed coming from the same state as Warren Buffet; admittedly an asshole remark but useful for cutting through the bullshit introductory information. Within minutes i’d learned that he didn’t begrudge Warren his money, that he’d been a lifelong Democrat who’d switched gears and stood fully behind #45 with a fervence that surprised me. I was intrigued and found my curiosity more powerful than my abhorrence. A working class middle ‘merican, espousing strong nationalist bullet points, “protecting the borders, 'them' taking jobs, ANTIFA destruction etc., etc.,” When asked if he watched Fox News he averted his eyes as though mindful of that guilty pleasure and it’s effects on rational discourse; it was not a conversation i expected to have, but found myself oddly encouraged, not from the position of being able to convince someone of anything, but more an opportunity to learn the thinking of a ‘merican comrade.
I have to laugh out loud that this calm turn of a new year might be the eye of a hurricane rather than the passing of a hideously destructive period in world history. Nor am i sure that where i am is someplace i’d choose to die, as had been the case of my first year here. I have learned things about myself i didn’t realize needed learning, not from “intention” as is the catchword for much hipster-doofus psycho-babble, but because it was a case between understanding myself more clearly or sink further and further into despair. I come from a bloodline that is steeped in Dysthymia, so depression is part and parcel of my makeup - enough so that like drinking, if i don’t tame it, it will tame me. This despair i speak of is the existential terror the sages speak of when the fragile human vessel is confronted by the logic of its ultimate decay - the sort of terror that gives rise to all the popular religions have used to manipulate the energies of humans throughout recorded history.
Where i want to go with the time left to me is where my spirit is full of the impulses i have been taught to feel shame for - not the salacious reaction-formation impulses that rise out of repression, but to yield to the yearning for singing, dancing, painting · yelping to our heart’s content. I find a deep seated need to acknowledge my ungovernable impulses that William Blake dwelt with and articulated so well - “those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.” How does this renegade notion square with the placid adjustment to our suffering advocated by Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Hanh and his eminence the Dalai Lama? That is not a rhetorical question; i do not possess the patience of more disciplined scholars than myself; i ask because i am going to die and i do not wish to pass having betrayed this unique opportunity for growth. If i am to grow like some fucking twisted phoenix out of fire, then by Jiminy i’d prefer to be aware and awake than quiescent and oblivious as the shackles of +/- 5v wisdom would seemingly prefer me to be.
This is not to say i find my existence to be the center of our troubled world, rather it is the only universe i am free to wander through without constraint that is not of my own making. I was raised in a culture espousing freedom from both sides of its mouth - Free if: you’re white, willing to kill on command, have enough money, agree with the “right” people, object to the “wrong” people, etc., etc., etc. To that end my birth nation now has the distinction of containing 4.4% of the world’s population and 18+% of the jailed inmates. So it is natural for me to feel some quandary about the direction this monolith of “conventional wisdom” and its history of deceit in the interest of the HNWI handful takes toward our precarious future. Yet once again Madame Paradox and her twin offsprings “t’is and t’ain’t” demand i acknowledge herein publicly that my thinking was developed, nurtured and came into fruition within the bosom of this multiplicitous nursery.
The stakes are no longer a post educational existence of fulfillment and gradual accumulation of comfort leading to a gentle demise surrounded by loved ones and a worthy legacy - now i fight for the survival of a DNA strand which i will in all likelihood possess no particle - the only contribution i can make is what you read herein or any conversation we might have in the lucky event we share air rather than this tenuous digital link. Sly and the Family Stone is singing “Everyday People” and i have no way to explain to the people in the venue where i just enjoyed my Nuyiersday meal the significance that song has had for me in years past; i myself begin to doubt the importance or even the usefulness i had once felt for music so deep and profound is my doubt. One thing i can comment on is the truth of Leonard Cohen’s quip about not making an important decision when you have to pee - he wasn’t lying · i just now had to avail myself of the facilities on both sides of my meal, thankful i did not have to make any important decision on either side.
jts 01/02/2021
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