I think i’m beginning to remember the fun of being alive - nor can i say exactly why, for there is so much, and so many arguing today to the contrary · I grew up in a contentious family that mostly argued about love: lack of, wrong kind, too much, wrong person, place or thing - you get the idea. It was all very confusing to this wall-eyed cyclops given two eyes by the goddess Gaia for flavor in her existential stew in which we all seem to be steaming. And i am thankful, because the closer i draw to my next transition - the more humor i find in the act of breathing in pain and breathing out simplicity, patience and compassion.
5 paragraphs a day anymore is a lot for me, but i am mindful of how much emptiness our world feels from not having daily occupation in service of the ruling class - so i try to keep my daily appointment with the “tabula rasa” which has beckoned our species from the time of the first bare cave wall in anticipation of an important hunt for game that might mean the difference between protein and starvation for our ancient brethren, as evidenced in Lascaux and elsewhere there were personalities goading the hungry hunters to superior skill using whatever imagery or stories that could be conjured in smoke filled caverns to yield food for the collective tribe.
These collections of impressions and exhortations last to this day demonstrating mostly how powerful love for others can be. Those within the tribe who murdered the weak and aged to keep more for themselves are found nowhere in history of our species except for a slightly higher pile of bones a little closer to the fire that selfish brutes to this day claim. And i am willing to wager that when the silicon charge has expired and the conceit of AI has evaporated like the Edsel on the ash heap of history - there will be some loving evidence of the creative hand loving all of us closer to each other rather than dividing what will be left of our rapidly dwindling DNA potential.
My humble hope is to have some phrase left in the memory of a shared story that was made useful to the most vulnerable of our kind - a cupped cheek, a tender touch or even quiet whisper at the nape of a loving neck which helped to yield one more safely protected from the rapidly extinguishing flame of hate inspired by greed and delusion: 12 Dec 2020 “Blowout for my expedition to My Lai, it dredges up so much confusing emotion · like what am i doing here in Viet Nam¿ What are my motivations if not to woo Diem Hong? There is no doubt it has been a learning growth experience, but do i belong where i am? if not, where to, and why. I found just what it took, which along with blowing my nose after eating chili, i possess a strong urge to express or to develop my expressive skills depending on your orientation for understanding. I feel most clear perceiving others and my world when i do so creatively and no longer wish to question that prerogative, rather to see more deeply what i can with what faculties i have left to me.”
My intended mission of atonement to My Lai was based on a false premise - that i could exculpate my sins by praying for forgiveness for the actions of others. My sins are different, they are mine alone for not wholly embracing the miracle of the moment allotted to me - by not expressing myself with every inclination that comes to me, be it a flirtatious smile with a comely woman or the follow-up to a solid commitment toward a joined loving life; all those inclinations i turn from believing myself unworthy · that is my sin. I am not a murderous sort unless it is in the service of liberating my brothers and sisters from yokes of greed they assume will enrich them, which i understand differently to be comprised of empty gestures for affection that are rooted in the self-interest of the proffering agent. “If it sounds to good to be true, it probably is.” We will survive as a species based on self sacrifice in service of other; anyone or any influence to the contrary is suspect if you take the time to peer into their agenda. “Enlightened Self-Interest” is the greatest universe worthy of exploration - believe me or not - i could give a fuck · a loving fuck, but a fuck nonetheless . .. ···
jts 10/12/2020
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