I like pure chocolate without sugar and am not sure if it is because chocolate reminds me of my father’s excesses, or if my father’s excesses remind me of what is good about living. I worked a long time in engineering labs with people i considered very smart only to find that their well paid occupations determined far too much about that which they they believed. I was was lucky to have those the universe chose as my family - this even as 3 of the 6 are unified in their dismay of my ways and one whose maternal leadership was so confused as to render me a pariah for no more reason then my sibling’s apparent inability to individuate - or my own i’m sure, depending on where one is standing. Shit is in play and there is no conclusion until, as the renown bigot Yogi Berra was fond of opining - “the fat lady sings” · i’m not holding my breath anymore than i am relying on ma’s “intrinsic” confidence in my elder brother’s integrity about our shared estate.
Talk about your microcosm within macrocosm’s - and yes it is purely coincidental the elder brother favors cigars, unions and golf courses · talk about your “left-handed sleights. I tried the direct approach in our last conversation in the company of our father. My limited understanding of this particular visit - a walk around a very long block in our father’s last independent living circumstance · was candor. So i was honest and forthright about every reservation i had about the relationship of “our three.” It didn’t go well, no matter how much i implored the elder to “come clean” his only reply was the party line, “this isn’t about you,” like what the fuck is that supposed to even mean. I did my best, but hurt his feelings such that 10 years later he refuses to shed his nurtured hurt - it can’t be easy being him.
To pay me back for my effrontery for having candidly stated my reservations about my place in the family constellation - this same individual in whom ma had “intrinsic faith” in his integrity is so bitter as to share nothing about her condition with me, her estate, her frame of mind · much less how he feels to be the patriarch of a dying branch of a noble house. Do i sound bitter¿ do i sound open? do i care what you think. Should i admire by elder sibling for abdicating his responsibilities to openly and honestly share the state of our matriarch? I anticipated this pettiness and told ma early on, “I am not fighting my way to your side during your transition. You set this up and i will honor your desires to be left in the care of those who would judge me so harshly and describe it as your wish.” to which ma, bless her heart replied - thanks a lot ·
If you the reader experience this candid expression as a rant and vituperative reproach of one who is not present to defend themselves from baseless accusations; know that within the month i have forwarded a photo of a locale to my elder sibling which i’d hoped would be of benefit to the heart of a dying woman about a place she had described to me in our travels as having complex and rich memories - my sibling did not deign to reply or acknowledge my sharing of such, anymore than he accepted my request for “friendship” on facebook, the same as my sister who had also declined my similar request. I am not a dog; i may be faithful to you to no end - but there is a stop. I am old and alone, suffering with deep psychological scars from a family experience of which the valence has never been in my favor. From that experience i do not seek allegiance that comes with a price, nor do i veer from contributing to any circumstance i feel is necessary and worthwhile - as long as there are no trails to my efforts to help.
Am i superior - i am an asshole with violent often conflicting purpose · but i struggle with all the corpuscles of my being to remain neutral and observant, such that the actions i take are dictated by a higher purpose. “The high destiny of the individual is to serve rather than to rule.” - Albert Einstein · who the fuck am i to argue with cogent logic lacking argument to the contrary¿ that is a question? I do not fault my siblings, i fault my own failure to adhere to the exaltation of existence - i am old enough and have encountered the unexpected enough to welcome surprise, yet in my haste to define my demise, or what Leonard Cohen so euphemistically described as the “preliminaries,” i’d be a lying dog to say i am not afraid: i am afraid of the wounds on my body from lack of motion, i am afraid of the company of people i know not - i am afraid of my own myopic guilt about things i haven’t resolved in my heart · but i am not afraid to die; i have lived amongst too many brave people happily assuming the yoke of existence to fear that my absence will detract from that noble struggle, and so i mean to die in peace - and wish the same for you · to the sound of ducks quacking in the background . .. ··· (if they only knew)
jts 28/08/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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