“The true revolutionary is guided by strong feelings of love” - Che Guevara ·
Pop called it “fun”, Ma called it “cutesy”; i’m at a loss do describe it, but if you ain’t loving you ain’t doing ‘shit,’ in the vernacular. There is lots of unnecessary tension in our world - a pitched (pun intended) battle for the calm of our world’s heart. Even if the dreaded plague is as deadly as the figures describe, is that not all the more reason to find that gentle compassion in each of our hearts that nurtures recovery, rather than disease and death? We are not stupid creatures no matter how incessantly we are so depicted. Yet the only enemy we refuse to face is our own sordid fear. Know this, i am describing my own weakness, not yours - i don’t know you · however much energy i expend addressing ‘you’ day in and day out. I understand that when i visit sites on the internet and do not participate, i could easily be described as a “troll;” i visit not from some salacious interest in what you might reveal, but because i am curious about my fellow creatures, especially during these times of unrest and anxiety.
However i am built for candor and have found that when i express “contempt, lust, anger, affection” however fleeting these emotions may be, the reaction from others is often disproportionate to my observation, and so i prefer to remain silent, however observant. That is the delusion of connectedness on the internet. I much prefer the “blood and guts,” of "i’m not comfortable in your company, and so i’ll see ya’ later". Conversely, and paradoxically the same warmth i have managed to maintain through my wounds is not often welcomed - which sadly, i entirely understand, having been conned · first by myself toward myself, which then manifested from others, along with my tacit encouragement and guidance on exactly how to accomplish the “con.” I know, it’s complicated, but i’m working on it. What i no longer allow from myself or others is the condemnation of my intention. If i am able to restrain my rage toward the “leader of the free world” even an iota, then i figure i am entitled to the same courtesy of those i offend with my renegade approach to existence.
We are all wounded, all of us are hurting, and no one has escaped the whip of judgement. Mine own judgement of myself i can assure you is far more unjust and inaccurate than any rebuke you might ever conjure based on any perceived betrayal i may have committed, knowingly or unknowingly. It has been many years since i have allowed myself to expend energy to the detriment of others; there is no point. As a young swain wading into the egos of other “men” and women, it became clear to me early on that no one gets out alive and to waste my time or sully my karma, accomplishing what mother nature will do on her own in her own good time without my help is a fool’s errand. What then to do with my outrage became a responsibility that was entirely my own¡ the deeper i peered the more i became convinced that any outrage was a conceit entirely of my own making, and therefore required a resolution of my own design.
Something, much easier said than done. Those same pillars of conviction that justified my outrage never seemed to be my own architecture - always a loyalty, conviction or debt i had assumed rather than embraced; from those cracks in faith i had to reassess my entire raison d'être which finally caved under the weight of a fading vision that rendered my life’s work - the finest art i was capable of - a charade · I am an artist, but not because of any outward recognition that my “wounded child” demanded, but because creativity is fun - that of the many sensations i have found in my blind but deeply feeling existence found momentary exaltation when what i could see, lined up with what i could create. My last two drawings deprived me of that satisfaction, but if i was truly honest, i would say none of my drawings, carvings or paintings ever matched the standards i had set for myself out of hubris and pain hoping for some kind word that could never be provided by anyone but myself.
I have caused havoc for which i am remorseful and am only just now beginning to see my role in such delusional behavior. If i feel shitty about anything ever - it is my doing, and no one else · The remarkable truth that flows from that belief is, i have not caused any havoc that was not based on someone else’s purpose, and from that comes compassion for the unkindness we each, everyone of us does to ourselves. Conversely, if i am dedicated to a gentle acceptance of my own conceit about retribution and payback, i am also capable of a determined kindness for others who suffer from similar delusion. Someone, anyone i meet or have met, may very well wish me unkindness, an unkindness that can never have substance for it stems from an internal conviction that has little to do with my own. If i can focus continually on the wellbeing of all around me, devoid of any sel-interest i may have in that outcome - only good can come from my thinking, i LIKE that. It doesn’t matter whether i am successful in my ambition, for that is the responsibility of each of us to do kindness to ourselves, first and foremost and then to aid and abet where possible others in their pursuit of that understanding - an entirely feasible ambition · far more than becoming acclaimed and lauded at some point in human history where one is no longer breathing or caring . ain’t love grand ¿?
jts 18/08/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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