I just finished watching a clip of the Rachel Maddow show, and if i had more character, i would be weeping about the tragedy that is unfolding in the country of my birth. The number of Covid-19 deaths is rapidly approaching the number of Americans sent to their deaths in the American War in Viet Nam - yet there are ‘mericans rallying in the streets to “open for business.” It is this self-serving distortion of all that was once good and decent in ‘merica by the capitalist thugs and their media shills that rends my soul at the seams. The greater tragedy, by far, is to have traveled enough in recent years to see how successfully these thugs have exported their brand of wildly effective exploitation of everything and everyone except that .01% of the world’s population that they consist of.
I have been a school teacher in one of my incarnations; so i can appreciate the dynamics of a single student attempting to hijack the resources of an entire class - time, materials, attention etc. This experience translates into a horribly unfair and ofttimes inaccurate judgement of people in simple social situations - that woman who cannot have enough men admire her; the killer-diller who fears nothing; or the entrepreneur who has mastered greed and for a small fee will teach you how. I was recently described as a cynic - and it breaks my heart to say, but he was right. Somewhere along the line, my zeal to help the world save itself was overtaken by the family curse of sanctimony, however that does not mean that i have surrendered.
When it became clear to me how shallow my accomplishments were stacked up against the work of actual warrior/scholars, i began to listen more carefully to the suggestions made by those i truly admired. Invariably what i heard was “look to your own heart,” i don’t know about any of you, but i’m 65 and am only just now beginning to see the barest outlines of what an asshole i can be - not the “you naughty, pathetic vile creature - but i love you still, because we’re family” one learns in the bosom of upbringing; but the look in someone’s eyes when something you thought was amusing caves in one more crumpled corner of the paper mache persona they’d just gathered courage enough to trot back out into the fray, or the look of anguish when the woman you have sworn fidelity to sees naked hunger in your eyes, knowing the lengths you will go to prove your love as you gaze in the direction of that other woman. The list could go on, and on.
And it did for far too long. It was when i stopped listening to the formative language used to evince a desired behavior during socialization and rather than deny the insults or praise used to create adherence and began to forgo any definition at all, but just to listen and watch that things began to make sense. No longer was my brother an asshole that i was going to prove wrong by being the most decent, loyal and superior member of the family - my family no longer existed · it was me having a dialogue with myself about people who have long since vanished from my daily life. From this catharsis i began to be mindful of how often what i thought i was responding to was clouded by feelings that had nothing to do with the fatigue, or joy or fear that i was facing just at that precise moment.
So today when as i watched example after example of my nation spinning seemingly irretrievably out of control and began to feel my mood shift from curious to morose, i began to count the good fortune of my existence. I did not smoke cigarette after cigarette, my neighbors are such that i can express irrational concerns, and they will tell me, “no you’re full of shit”, or “yes, i’d be careful about that” - the echoes of deceit that swamped the ‘merican ship-ship-of-state are not yet waves enough to crush the spirit of criticism which disciplined and forged a people enough to care about each other and strangers such as myself enough to halt and unknown threat in its tracks. This was accomplished with patience and calm, the same sort of behavior i rely on more and more to hear the faint voice deep inside my soul that is not cynical - that has a sight which can see far enough into the soul of another to find that kernel of goodness we all possess if one can just listen patiently enough.
jts 28/04/2020
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com se
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved
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