weird day, again · and again ·· and ··· am writing this with 24 point type and the xptr lid closed to 80 degrees because the hinge to my screen is failing. and i will have to relinquish xptr connection for 2 weeks beginning feb 3. it is still 2 weeks prior to lunar new year in Viet Nam and the country is fairly quaking in anticipation. tomorrow morning, hell or high water i leave Hoi An for Laos at 4:50 am and tonight my landlord decided was the best time to combat the broken screens in his overpriced house. i have taken refuge in the Aussie bistro Dingo Deli and am nursing my affliction to the tune of sonic aggression under the guise of patriotic assertion ·
it is now 5:58 pm and i have two hours to sink into sleep if i am to have a fair shot at driving alert and understandingly through some of the most war torn parts of a horribly abused land. the irony that i selected this land to die and to love my last breath in grows daily both for the lessons of my own ignorance and lessons i am still capable of processing as well as the possible resolve i cam seeking on behalf of the global community - sadly it would seem the haters have arrived sowing seeds of dissension and nationalism blinding all to the dangers of, forgive me the coining of new expressions “Big-Shotism”. be not disfigured by the egos of small people · grow large and be so to others.
i am faced with the very real prospect of dying alone in a foreign land friendless and possibly robbed of my life savings by the same govt. that dropped more bombs than dropped in all of WWII on a country the size of the state of Delaware, then left defeated. what i hope for past this possibility, is that others join forces with all they are near rather than those small cliques which arise from the familiar, and also logically coalesce into fictional pockets of solidarity; when the reality is we are being splintered by a hateful handful using the delusion that if you recognize the appropriate cadre somehow you will mysteriously land a seat in the “big house” - bullshit but powerful enough to distract the feeble and tired mind of those greedy enough to wage war on their brethren - how fucking sad ·
there is no total that does not include the most vulnerable amongst us - our mothers our broken brothers, our beaten sisters · the world we understand is on its last legs and no amount of clinging to the familiar will save the unborn children of our dying planet until we each accept our limited desires and seek a greater happiness only found in the fulfillment of those we do not know · your struggle is my struggle, and yet you reject my aid because i am afraid and show it. that is my error and i strive daily to show my brave love for who you are and what you have tried to accomplish · it is in my weakness that i shrink from cruelty that i am sure you do not want me to possess - while my struggle remains to give you what i do not have.
it is now 6:32 pm and i must rise at 4:00 am· i`ve no qualms about paying the high price of the sandwiches and two drinks i had at the western oriented establishment, because by all accounts the locals enjoy their work and the management makes every effort to enlarge understanding . my homestay was not as generous and cast aspersions about it being a “fancy” place but then rode off with one of the fancy patrons clinging to her exquisite figure · i am a hypocrite, she is a hypocrite - no one’s hand’s are clean and as long as we search for a divine other to redeem us from our wicked hatred rather than take that weakness in hand to comfort and acknowledge it for the source of our cruelty to others which it is - we are fucked
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